Oscar the Grouch

I will be the first to admit that I have been so moody these past couple of days. I just don't feel like myself. I think the lack of sleep has a LOT to do with it. I don't even know how to explain it, I am just in a horrible mood and mad at the world for no reason.

Michael is working and I am still home on maternity leave. While I love Patrick to death, by the time Michael gets off work I am ready for him to come home and have some adult interaction. It is also nice to have someone else to take Patrick for a bit. When Michael tells me that he is going to the gym or coming home to go running, I have no idea why but I get mad at him. I feel like I have been home all day, so he should come home and give me a break. I don't know what is wrong with me...this would never bother me normally. I mean it isn't like he works out for four hours!

Same thing happens when he goes to bed at night. I have voluntarily been sleeping upstairs on the couch because I don't want him to wake up every three hours when he has to get up early to go to work. Plus he can't sleep with the monitor - he worries about every little noise and keeps me awake asking if he is ok. I, however, know Patrick is fine, he just is an noisy boy (See yesterday's post!) Anyway, every night when he kisses me goodnight I resent him because I know he is going off to get a good night's sleep while I am going to be woken up every three hours. I really get mad.

By 8:00 at night I am exhausted but I can't go to sleep yet because that is around the time Patrick is ready for a feeding. I am trying to get a schedule going for when I go back to school...bath at 7:30, feeding then to bed. I plan on going to bed myself, even if I have to get up at 11 or 12 that night! I hate having visitors past 7 because I know it is going to push back that schedule and my bedtime. I get really upset when we do and OF COURSE the one visitor who comes at 7 is his Mom so it seems like I am always mad at HER. I just feel like I can't win these days.

I love Patrick to death. I could just eat up his little feet and cheeks. I love that he is growing and getting fatter (I love chubby babies!), but there are times when I get so frustrated because I feel like he is CONSTANTLY eating. Of course I am breastfeeding so I am the only one that can feed him which makes me even more mad...at who, I have no idea, but I am sure I take it out on Michael. Yes, I pump and can have a bottle, but if I don't feed him myself, I still have to pump to keep up my supply.

I get mad when we go places or people come to visit and they get to hold him and have fun with him. Yes, I hold him and play with him during the day, but I also feed him for what feels like 12 hours out of the day! When we have people coming over or when we go places I time it so he is a very content baby or sleeping. There are times when I get upset because I feel like the only thing I am doing is feeding him when everyone else gets to have FUN with him. It's like I'm a cow. I KNOW this isn't true and is completely irrational, but it just is another thing that makes me mad!

I don't know where this post is really going, I think I just need to vent. But then I feel bad for venting because I really am so blessed. Patrick is an amazing baby. He rarely cries and is very content. While he does eat every three hours at night, at least it isn't every hour! (However there have been some of those nights!) I feel like a horrible wife because I know I am taking out my exhaustion and frustration on my husband. I feel like a horrible Mom sometimes because I get frustrated with Patrick.

I think I am just really tired and overwhelmed. I am hoping that Patrick starts sleeping just a TAD bit longer so I can start feeling like myself again and not being such a B**** all the time. Seriously.